Ok this is difficult for me. I am reading about Jacob watching over sarah's corpse. And images of my Dad's corpse are crowding my head. I was afraid of his body. I was afraid to touch his corpse on the mountain because I was afraid to feel it's lifelessness. I do not understand how Jacob can sit alone in a room with Sarah's body for days and not be afraid of it. At the same time, I don't understand how I could be so afraid of my dad's body. I guess it has a lot to do with how traumatic and sudden his death was. One moment, it was a normal day and we were out in the mountains again. The next moment, I was alone, and he was reduced to "the body". Am I afraid of death? I do not feel afraid of death. I think being so close to it has made me realize how natural death is. Every single one of us will die. It is only a matter of time. So what then am I afraid of when I think of seeing my dad's corpse on the mountain? I think I was and am afraid of the sudden life-altering change that I was experiencing. A part of myself is still grasping for explanation of what happened to him, and to me up there. I asked my boyfriend, who lost his father to cancer years ago, if it ever feels real. He said that it doesn't, but that you learn to somehow accept this new and bizarre life.

The whole description of Jacob leaving Sarah's body is vivid and realistic. And true. I remember thinking about exactly the same things when I had to leave my dad's body on the mountain. I remember not wanting to touch him, because he had moments before been a man and I did not want to feel him as a cold, hard corpse. And at the same time, I wanted to hug him and to throw myself over his body and weep. And I wanted to kiss his lips or his cheek and say good-bye. But I, like Jacob, did not know how. "He wanted to say goodbye but he didn't know how" (248). I also remember thinking, like Jacob, that it was just a body now, an empty shell. So what did it matter? Likewise, Jacob wonders "...what difference did it make whether the corpse was eaten by mice or worms?" (249).

As I started down the mountain, I saw a raven flying low and near me--almost alongside me as I descended . And I wondered about my dad's soul, just as Jacob wonders: "Does she know what's happening to me...Or is her soul so distant that it is no longer connected with this world?" (249). I felt pulled from my dad's corpse in much the same way Jacob was, although I wasn't arrested. But I did have to go through all the logistics at the bottom of the mountain, and so I can somewhat relate to how Jacob must have felt with those men. I would have wanted to yell from the core of my being "Can't you people just leave me alone for a minute so I can digest what just happened to me? My whole world just caved in!" (note to self, try harder to eliminate 'just' from my vocab. very is another good one to nix...).

Well. I had to stop reading for today. Too much. Also kind of killed my mental state for doing any homework...